Irreplaceable
by Antonia-x
Summary: Dylan/Sam one-shot; Dylan's point of view. When a patient triggers painful memories from their past can Sam and Dylan learn to be there for each other.


**I think I felt that if I could get these words down then the idea would leave me alone and I'd be able to get through some of the uni work that I really should have been doing while I was writing this. However, a small one-shot for you…**

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He'd seen the way his ex-wife reacted the moment Dixie had burst through the Resus doors cradling a tiny woollen bundle in her arms; the moment the bundle of material had been deposited in Sam's arms, Dylan watched as Tom crossed the room joining her by the small incubator and both their voices merged into one as they demanded and called for anything they might require: tests; scans; equipment; paediatric consultants. He hadn't found himself able to offer any of those things to the pair of junior doctors and had left the room, pausing momentarily by the reception desk to hear the one-ended conversation that Zoe appeared to be having with the police over the latest development in the ED.

Dylan spent the majority of his shift in CDU away from the enthusiastically gossiping staff; away from the police who had subsequently came to interview Jeff and Dixie and assess the case; the reporters who followed had just provided him with an even greater influence to remain tucked away in CDU. On his various trips to the main department Dylan had seen Zoe slipping back and forward to her office; Dr Kent, he noted, had been treating patients in cubicles accompanied by the succession of different nurses on each visit. The only person Dylan has been unable to spot during these excursions had been his ex-wife. He'd been loath to admit to anyone that he was looking for her and refused to ask anyone about her whereabouts for fear of it getting back to the woman in question; and regardless of how concerned he was he was not prepared to suffer her fury. He glanced around the department one final time and considered that Sam must still be in Resus; he pondered the consequences of that particular decision – and whether it had been her idea or Zoe's – for a moment and was preparing to walk away and return to the safety of CDU.

If he was being honest with himself, Dylan knew that the only reason he was avoiding everyone, well more than he usually did, and Resus that day was due to the potential of being confronted by the horrors of the past. Horrors which he was still not sure he was strong enough to bring up , let alone actively discuss – despite Sam's insistence on the subject. His own reluctance left him horrified when he considered quite how hurt and broken Sam looked each and every time he told he was not prepared to discuss the subject any more than they had already done in the past. However, just as he was turning on his heel and he stepped away it was a conversation between Tess and Charlie which had caught his attention. "Sam's very taken with the baby," he's heard the female nurse state softly, in Charlie's direction – as though it was mere a statement of fact and not information which caused Dylan's head to spin.

"Has she given him a name?" The sudden confirmation that Sam had spent the best part of her shift nursing a baby boy almost caused his heart to stop beating.

"Lewis," Tess stated simply, before retrieving the file which she'd originally been searching for and returned to cubicle she'd left – seemingly only to turn Dylan's world on its head. No one else would have known the significance but he did and for the moment that was all that mattered. Yet even in spite of that fact he was sure he'd be powerless to prevent any heartbreak that Sam was setting herself up for. As discreetly as he possibly could Dylan crept away from the central desk, heading towards Resus, yet the moment he got into reception he wanted to do nothing more than rush by the stairs and pretend that he had no idea of the distress Sam was currently exposing herself to.

In the end it seemed that his heart overruled his head and he was soon standing at the doors to Resus peering through the glass window; watching Sam who was completely in a world of her own as she leant carefully over the tiny incubator, clutching the tiny hand of a very little baby it was hard for Dylan to not be transported four years into the past. Try as he might, the events of his past had been brought to the front of his mind and even if the sight of Dixie clutching the tiny abandoned baby hadn't done so Dylan was sure the look of complete devastation etched across Sam's face would have done so. Dylan reached up and pressed the palm of his hand against the door, preparing to push it open, under the guise of ensuring no help was required just to satisfy himself that Sam was in a stable enough position to be in the room. However, he heard the gentle squeak of the opposite doors to Resus closing and watched as Sam looked around the room as though ensuring that she really was on her own and he paused waiting to see how she would react. Dylan looked away momentarily almost afraid that Sam might see him watching her, however when he had looked back round Sam had lifted the baby from the incubator and was gently rocking him back and forth cradled against her chest. Even with the door and an entire room separating them Dylan could not miss the sadness in her eyes when she seemed to regain her senses and placed him back down in the incubator, not before pressed a fleeting kiss atop his head and tucking him up delicately.

Sam had resumed her position by the baby's side, his notes clutched in her hands as she seemed to be checking the tiny infant's vital signs when Dylan finally forced himself to turn around and walk away. He knew that whatever he felt about the subject, he could never bring himself to force her to step away from the baby if he could not prove it would only bring her further upset. By the time that the doors of CDU had swung closed behind him, Dylan was completely lost in the past. He recalled without any effort the very first morning he'd woken and been made aware that all was not well with Sam. In the end she'd been miserable for weeks and Dylan had felt like he was walking on eggshells determined to prevent an argument; at first he had suspected that her final weeks at medical school may have been getting to her, the fact that he was so very wrong had startled him completely.

He sat down and grabbed the nearest file to hand in order to prevent himself dwelling on the past. It served to be a worse than useless distraction and he soon found that his thoughts were drifting back to Sam and the baby she seemed to be solely in charge of; yet by the time he'd reached coherent thought on the subject, all Dylan wanted to do was go to her and demand that she stopped referring to the unknown baby by the name she was. He'd felt sick when he'd heard Tess' words and if he was honest he could still not understand why Sam would have wanted to do such a thing.

"Dylan," Zoe came rushing through though the doorway to CDU repeating herself firmly, without seeming to pause for breath. "Dylan!" He looked up at the mention of his name raising an eyebrow at her flustered state, waiting on an explanation. "Have you seen Sam?" She queried the moment she had her breath back.

Dylan immediately turned his attention back to his notes, now that he was aware that there was no incoming emergency. "She was in Resus, with you know-" Dylan declared without ceremony and he risked looking up at Zoe as he did so, her worried expression remained. "That baby." He stated without need and instantly shook his head as though the physical movement would remove the images and past sadness from his mind.

"No," Zoe began, "they're both gone. Sam and little Lewis." Zoe concluded and almost at once her reason for being stood in front of him in panic became apparent. Dylan cringed at the name and rose from his seat and began walking to door with purpose. "Where are you going?" Zoe demanded just as he reached the double doors.

"Well we're not going to find them standing around here looking worried now are we?" Dylan responded and Zoe rolled her eyes at his words before she side stepped him and was stood in front of the doors – seemingly to prevent either of them going anywhere. "And don't call him that," Dylan stated almost as an afterthought.

"What aren't you telling me Dylan?" His female companion suddenly demanded and Dylan was sure that he'd never find the words to explain nor would be able to express just how concerned he was by the news that Sam and the baby appeared to have vanished from the department. "Dylan," Zoe pressed and he could only bring himself to shake his head in response. He had never wanted to discuss this particular chapter of his past with anyone, and that included Sam who shared every moment and emotion, and he certain never envisaged Zoe being the one who was demanding to know.

Dylan sighed wearily and turned around and found himself back at the desk and slumped behind the chair. Not only did he not want to have to tell anyone the entire sorry tale he was certain he definitely did not want that person to be Zoe. Whilst he felt ever so slightly afraid that Zoe could rely the story to others, his fear and concern about Sam and her mental state won out and he pondered precisely where to begin.

Dylan was certain that he'd never know how to explain to Zoe that it had been the morning of Sam's graduation before Dylan even realised what was happening and that was in fact only when he seen the white box in Sam's hand that it had registered with him. Sam had emerged from the bathroom five minutes later, looking frighteningly nauseous and her face tear streaked, and he had been waiting outside the door for her. She'd fallen into his arms in an instant and sobbed into his chest and he couldn't even work out what to say to her. They remained stood in the hallway for over ten minutes before Sam was able to control her tears and look at him to share her news. Dylan had forced her to put that development to the back of her mind until the day was over and then they could worry about how Sam would work a pregnancy and maternity leave around her F1 placements. Miriam was the first to know, she guessed that very night, when she watched Sam discreetly place her still full champagne flute on a table and not give it a second glance. Yet upon seeing his own former mentor's beaming smile he knew instantly that he and Sam had a champion and that she'd be able to ensure Sam got as much from the seven or so months that she had to work.

In the end, a few short days later, Miriam confirmed for them that their little baby had already reached nine weeks and Sam would only realistically be able to fit in one six month rotation; Dylan had been appalled that it would interfere so much with her training but Sam's tears of joy won him over almost at once and he'd been able to share in her happiness. He always considered that the most painful and difficult part to bear had been just how straight forward the pregnancy had been, once they had gotten over their initial shock. Sam had barely fussed and with the exception of a few short weeks she wasn't sick. The baby had kicked when he was meant to, and they were only twelve weeks away from being due to meet the tiny attention to their family when they were told that they would be welcoming a son. Sam gave birth on her due date, calling Dylan as she arrived at the hospital, he rushed to her side yet when he got there he only had to wait forty minutes before he was introduced to his son.

Sam had wanted Alfie; yet they'd settled on Lewis barely a week before he was born. Though when she sat amongst the bedsheets beaming at him as she clutched a small bundle of blue blankets, her hair in disarray and her cheeks flushed, Dylan gave in almost instantly and informed the nurse who was awaiting an answer that their son was Alfie Lewis Keogh.

Their nightmare had begun only four hours later, when he'd been dozing in the seat beside Sam's bed, she'd woken him in tears begging him to find a doctor; unsure quite what was happening but not willing to doubt Sam in any way Dylan had rushed off returning swiftly with the same man who had examined Alfie in the moments after his birth. They hadn't been told what was going on and couldn't even react as their son was plucked from Sam's arms and rushed away from them. The same doctor returned, after numerous nurses who came bearing comforting words – which had not helped – and a hasty phone call to Miriam who was by then pacing the room in front of Sam's bed, and brought with him news neither of them wanted to hear.

"We need to find Sam," Dylan declared suddenly and Zoe seemed to eyeing him cautiously leading him to ponder quite how long he had remained silently lost in thoughts.

"Why are you so concerned?" Zoe asked, much to Dylan's confusion.

"And you aren't?" He replied hotly. "You're missing a patient." He stated unnecessarily trying to deflect Zoe's attention away from the fact that his concern must have been apparent.

"And that is why I am concerned, but why are you?"

"Our son died." The words had left Dylan's lips before he even knew why they had. The look of complete horror on Zoe's face assured him that he had really said the words aloud. "We need to find her," he repeated again and Zoe's new found knowledge seemed to spur her into action yet as she stood up she tried and failed to form words. Dylan was sure that it was the first time he'd ever seen her speechless and she reached out to place a sympathetic hand on his arm as they reached the door.

It did not take them long to track them down the moment they rushed out the main doors to the department, much to the confusion of staff members who had been in and around reception at the time, they could see her. Sam was sat on the bench in the peace garden, there was a small moment when Dylan could not see the baby, but when he looked properly he could see that Sam had wrapped the baby in blankets and had him tucked under her Holby fleece, letting him rest gently against her chest. Zoe had nudged him and he'd been forced to reach Sam's side first, careful not to startle her, he sat down by her side. "You know you can't keep him, don't you?" He began, mentally kicking himself when he realised what he'd said. Sam turned to face him, her blue eyes wide and shining with tears when she nodded her head softly in response.

"I know," she stated softly her voice hitching, as the tears she'd been trying to prevent falling and the sobs she'd been suppressing fought their way to the surface. Dylan squeezed her hand tightly and Sam snuggled closer to his side, holding the baby tighter to her chest. Dylan beckoned Zoe over to enjoy them. "I just needed to cuddle him," Sam stated sadly just as Zoe had crouched down in front of her, nodding in understanding. "On my own." She offered as way of explanation for her disappearance from the department.

"Can I take him now?" Zoe began gently and Sam looked at her for a moment before reluctantly nodding and slipping her hand from Dylan's in order to cradle the little boy gently in her arms, before placing him into Zoe's awaiting outstretched arms. Before Zoe could stand up Sam had lifted one his tiny hands and pressed a kiss the back of it. Zoe stood and walked away quickly, taking the baby back into the department. Sam and Dylan remained in completely silence, though Dylan observed the silent tears which rolled down Sam's cheeks as she watched the baby disappear from view.

The moment Zoe had entered the building Dylan turned to face Sam and was stunned by the speed in which she had thrown herself practically onto his lap, and buried her face into his chest sobbing violently. Her whole body shook with each passing despairing, anguished sob and all Dylan could do was hold her tightly against him. He'd never admit it to Sam, or perhaps anyone but Miriam who he had already confessed to, but had he known how it would all turn out he would never have let Sam convince him that she would be able to manage her first rotation while pregnant – not that he'd actually taken much convincing. Losing Alfie had destroyed everything and they both knew it, yet neither wanted to be the first to give up and throw in the towel; he'd always blamed himself for their son's death and he knew that Sam had too, she'd never told him of course, but he knew.

"I miss him." Sam wailed suddenly and all Dylan could do was murmur in agreement. "I never blamed you, you know." She spoke again, her sobs beginning to quieten, as though reading his mind. "Miriam told me. I never ever blamed you." Dylan could think of no adequate words to say so settled for holding her. "Didn't you think he looked like like Alfie?" Sam expressed much to Dylan's shock and he shook his head – never even having seen the infant – despite knowing that Sam could not see his reaction.

"He's gone Sam; he's gone." Dylan said quietly into her hair and Sam's tears seemed to pick up their pace again, and Sam clung to him, much like she had in the hours after they were told that the doctors had done their best but they could do nothing to save their baby boy. He couldn't be sure of Sam's motives during the shift but he knew that she would never have been able to replace Alfie with a little boy who had been found abandoned and deep down he knew Sam realised that just as much.

"He'd be starting school soon," Sam declared suddenly, and at her words Dylan struggled to comprehend how so much time could have passed since the awful day. He couldn't find any words and Sam seemed to have settled into silence, she shifted her position and rested her head to the side, staring blankly ahead towards the ambulance bay and Dylan tightened his grip around her. He had no idea how long Sam planned to remain here in his arms, nor did he care. For the first time since the funeral Dylan was sure he was offering Sam some of the comfort she had always wanted but he'd never been able to provide.

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**So, as ever, thank you for reading. And if you liked, or even if you hated, do feel free to leave a review and let me know why. They do make me happy - I'm also hoping that I've managed to catch any mistakes in the proof reading - downfall of posting at 2am, clearly. **

**Annyx**


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